


Agony Rune

by HighWarlockIvy



Series: Soulless and Afraid [2]
Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: Angst, Graphic descriptions of suicide, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Torture, Trigger warnings for self harm, Trigger warnings for suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 14:44:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11187300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighWarlockIvy/pseuds/HighWarlockIvy
Summary: "Tell me what I can do, please..."The words ring through Magnus' head like sirens. It's quiet, but everything seems loud. He doesn't know what Alec can do. He doesn't even know what he himself can do. He looks at Alec, shrugging, because dammit, he really didn't know what to do.(Continuation of Malec ending scene in 2x12)





	Agony Rune

**Author's Note:**

> Continuation of ending Malec scene. I wasn't angry or pissed like many fans, because I believe we will get more, but I did feel there could have been more to this.
> 
> Again, I love this show. I love the writing, and I actually enjoyed this plot line. 
> 
> I know a lot of people are talking about the problem Malec will have but I really wanted to explore Magnus and just Magnus. There's a little Alec guilt in here, but very little, because Magnus' plot line matters here.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide, self harm, graphic description of self harm/suicide

Agony Rune

"Tell me what I can do, please..."

The words ring through Magnus' head like sirens. It's quiet, but everything seems loud. He doesn't know what Alec can do. He doesn't even know what he himself can do. He looks at Alec, shrugging, because dammit, he really didn't know what to do.  
He  
Alec looks guilty. Magnus wished he didn't. But at the same time he hoped Alec felt the true extent to what he has done. He didn't believe him. He didn't trust him.

Though, Magnus can understand, at the same time. He was in the body of someone who worked to kill Downworlders for sport and experimentation. He worked to cause havoc throughout the shadow world. He fought hard to terrorize those he loved. Dot, for example. Also killing Ragnor, and Jocelyn. 

He couldn't blame Alec. But at the same time he could. 

It wasn't until then Magnus realized he wasn't breathing, and suddenly Alec was in front of him, kneeling down to look him in the eye. "Magnus," he whispered.

Magnus let go of the breath he wasn't even aware he had been holding, and it trembled as it released from his lungs. His cold lungs. Everything felt cold.

His body felt cold. But he couldn't tell if he was cold, or if the remnants of Valentine's hollow soul lingered within him. 

He was... scared.

He was terrified. 

"Magnus, please talk to me."

Magnus opened his mouth to form words, but found nothing was happening. He closed them again, shrugging at Alec. 

Alec brought his hands to Magnus' cheeks, and Magnus felt pride when he didn't flinch. "Magnus, I'm so sorry. I am, you don't deserve this," he leaned up and kissed Magnus on the cheek gently. "You don't, Magnus," he kissed his nose. "You deserve nothing but good." One more time on the other cheek.

Magnus didn't even know he was speaking, and couldn't stop the words before they came out. "I don't..."

Alec blinked, confused. He looked at Magnus in the eyes that were glazed over and unfocused. They weren't even lingered on Alec. They weren't really looking anywhere. It pained him. "What do you mean?"

Magnus shook his head slowly. "I don't deserve good."

Alec kissed him softly on the lips, and didn't feel at all angry when he didn't kiss back. "What are you talking about, Magnus?"

"I killed her..."

Alec stopped, and his eyes widened slightly. "What?"

Magnus looked so lost. "Like I said, Alexander... that Agony Rune."

Alec brought his hands down to Magnus' thighs, rubbing them softly. "I don't understand, baby, what do you mean?"

The Warlock blinked once, speaking again. "It showed me things I've tried so hard to suppress, things I've actually accomplished at ignoring. Things I've done, Alexander," his voice cracked, and he sounded on the verge of tears.

"Magnus, you've done nothing wrong." Alec desperately tried to make Magnus understand. He leaned up, kissing him on the forehead. Trying to do anything to give him any form of comfort.

"You don't know me at all, Alexander. You think you do, and even I thought you did, but that damned Rune showed me what was truth..." his voice was just so... so lost. Alec couldn't stand it. Magnus' chest felt heavy. He hadn't spoken of this in so long, and he was worried his lungs wouldn't be able to form the air he needed to explain what he was trying to say. "I'm sorry," was all he said.

"Don't be sorry, Magnus Bane," Alec was still kneeled down, running soft circles on Magnus' legs, trying to get Magnus to look at him, so desperately trying, but Magnus wouldn't look. He still wasn't looking at anything. "You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing."

Magnus' lips were trembling, and Alec was finally getting some emotional response rather than just... emptiness. "I do, Alec, I've done so much wrong-"

"Shh, Magnus, don't." Alec said gently, sitting back up next to Magnus, putting his arm around Magnus' shoulder and pulling him close. "It's okay, Magnus. I promise."

Magnus pushed Alec away, but not unkindly. He finally, finally, looked at him., standing up. But it was a look filled with such pain that Alec wished he didn't. "It's not, Alexander, it's not okay." Magnus was trying so hard to keep tears in, but they piled up so much, they spilled over. "I killed her, I murdered her, I murdered both of them."

Alec stood up next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Magnus, baby, what are you talking about?"

"She couldn't stand what I was, and- and..." he couldn't finish. His breath was going away. He didn't like it. "And then he-" he gasped. And then he sobbed.

He sobbed such pure pain, and fear, and terror. Alec didn't hesitate anymore, or worry that maybe touching him wouldn't be a good idea. Magnus needed him, and quickly.

Magnus felt Alec pull him into his arms, and his breath was shaky. He didn't push him away this time. If anything, he wrapped his own arms around Alec, squeezing, his fingernails digging into Alec's skin through his shirt. 

Magnus hoped Alec didn't mind. "Shh, Magnus, I'm here. It's okay. I promise."

"They couldn't stand me, Alexander-"

Alec rubbed circles on Magnus' back. "Shh, I know. It's okay."

"I killed them."

"You didn't kill anyone, baby. I promise."

"You don't know, Alexander, you don't know."

"Shh," Alec hushed one more time, and Magnus finally stopped speaking and just let himself breathe and cry, but mostly breathe, because dear God he couldn't. He couldn't breathe. "Just breathe, baby. I'm here."

Magnus' breaths were gasps, full of sobs. 

His chest was hurting, but Magnus couldn't tell if it was because he wasn't breathing and getting oxygen or if because his heart was breaking, breaking in half, and then into a million pieces. 

The Agony Rune showed him what he was. He'd almost forgotten. He was a monster. 

"What?" Alec asked, voice full of shock.

It was then Magnus realized he said that out loud. "Monster..."

Alec pulled him back gently, hands on his shoulders, looking Magnus in the eye, who looked ashamed. "Magnus Bane, there is nothing about you even remotely close to a monster. Nothing. You are the sweetest, most pure being on this earth."

"She's dead because of me. Both of them are."

Alec frowned, realizing this was probably the fifth time he said words like that. "What do you mean?"

Magnus was shaking, and Alec pulled him back down to couch softly, gently letting him take a seat. "Alexander... I-I don't know how to say..." he couldn't finish and he didn't know why. Was it cause he had no air in his lungs? His god damned cold lungs. 

"Just take your time, Magnus. I'm not rushing you. You don't even have to tell me, baby, just do what you need and I'll give you what you need too, just please... let me help in some way." Magnus didn't like how Alec's voice sounded so guilty. 

Magnus' breath had calmed a bit more, and he swallowed, feeling the bobbing of his Adam's apple. He blinked, looking at Alec. "Alexander, that Agone Rune..."

"You keep saying that, Magnus. Tell me, what happened."

Magnus took a moment to prepare himself for what he was about to reveal. Would Alec still love him? 

"Okay, Alexander..." he cleared his throat. He prepared himself again. "You know that Rune doesn't just cause "agony" like it's called. It can mentally torture you, emotionally tear apart your mind." He felt Alec kiss his cheek. "It can... it can bring forth flashbacks or past memories one finds painful to their heart, and... Alec..." his voice was wavering, and Alec was worried he wouldn't finish. "It showed... Alec I saw her. Wrists slit open and bleeding out on the floor while I just begged, called to anyone who would listen, that she was okay..." 

Alec didn't like where this was going. This didn't sound good, and Magnus could see the worry in his eyes. "Who, Magnus?" He asked gently.

Magnus sobbed again, putting his head in his hands, pulling at his hair, tears still flowing. "My mother..." his voice cracked.

Alec immediately pulled him into his arms again, and Magnus was crying again, his chest feeling like there was ice in it, but also rocks. He was heavy, and cold, and in pain, and dear God, he hadn't felt like this in centuries. 

He was absolutely terrified. He remembered feeling like this while standing on the ledge of Blackfriars Bridge before the devil Camille saved him. He remembered feeling like this while looking at his step-father's ashes that were his doing. He remembered feeling like this while being held under water in the little pond behind his family's barn. 

"Shh, Magnus, I am here. I am, I am. Shh," Magnus knew Alec was trying very hard, but nothing could stop this. 

He felt the presence of his mother's keris emanating from somewhere in the apartment, he couldn't really remember right now. 

"Please," he whispered through sobs, Alec holding him tighter. "Make it stop..."

Alec's heart broke. He'd never heard Magnus plead like that, other than earlier at the Institute when he thought he was Valentine. "I'm here, Magnus". 

Magnus was trembling, his chest so damn cold, and so damn heavy. "Please..." Magnus felt dirty. He suddenly felt extremely filthy, knowing Valentine had been in here, wondering again if that was the reason he was so cold. His head was still in his hands, while also being held in Alec's chest. He was pulling at his hair, wanting to pull the Valentine off of him. 

"Shh, Magnus stop." Alec said, trying to stop Magnus from pulling his hair out. He could see the knuckle white grip on his scalp, and was worried Magnus might just do it. He tried to pull his hands away, but Magnus wouldn't budge.

Alec felt frightened. He'd never seen Magnus like this, so mentally broken. He wondered if he'd done this before, but then felt sad when he realized when he might have done it alone. "Magnus, please stop."

"Make it stop," Magnus begged again.

"Make what stop, baby, what happened?"

"I still feel him... make him stop."

"Magnus, he's gone, I promise. I'm here, you're here, and you're safe. No one can hurt you. Shh," Magnus could barely hear him. 

He was growing tired. He could feel his breath calming and his grip on his head loosening, and he could feel himself growing limp. Alec's own grip tightened however. There was static in his ears, and suddenly he couldn't hear at all, and there were stars at the corners of his eyes. 

"Shh, Magnus, just sleep." 

What did he say, Magnus thought. 

He didn't know, but he did know all he saw was darkness. 

But then all he could see was fire. Blue flames licking the skin of his step-father, his screams reverberating through his head. Then there was red, blood red pooling from such pale, thin wrists that he used to hold when he was little and scared while they guided him through the village. 

Then he saw concrete. Concrete walls, and felt straps on his wrists and felt lava hot pain on his wrist. 

No... no... 

He couldn't be back here. No... 

He was dreaming, he had to be. 

"Tell is where the cup is, Valentine, and it'll stop."

No... no, no, no, no...

...

"No, no, no, no..." Alec heard Magnus whispering, the sun from morning lighting his scared face. 

He gently shook him, attempting to wake him. "Magnus, baby, wake up." He sat up, shaking him again. Sweat was covering Magnus' skin. "Shh, wake up, Magnus. I'm here." 

Magnus cried out then, and Alec's heart rate accelerated. "Magnus?" 

He cried out again. 

"Magnus," Alec tried again, more desperately. "Magnus," he didn't shake him as gently. "Wake up, Magnus, wake up."

...

Straps digging in his wrists, pain flaring through his body, his mother standing in the cell with him, the keris in hand, and suddenly she was making lines on her wrists, thin red lines swelling until they pooled over. 

He screamed. 

"Mama!"

...

"Mama..." Magnus whispered, turning sharply. 

"Magnus!"

"No," Magnus said, shooting up from the covers, breathing way too erratic, Alec quickly holding him and pulling him close, squeezing him now. "Shh," he whispered.

It took a while for Magnus to calm.

...

The morning sun lit up the kitchen, Alec making pancakes, Magnus sitting at the bar and drinking orange juice. He felt a little better, but that damned feeling in his chest wouldn't go away. 

"It won't go away," Magnus whispered. 

Alec turned around, making sure the pancakes wouldn't burn. "What won't go away?" He asked gently. 

"The feeling in my chest. The feeling of Valentine." Magnus took a deep breath. 

But for the first time, he looked at Alec and smiled a sad smile, but it was still a smile. 

Alec smiled back. He leaned on the counter, kissing Magnus' nose from the other side. "It will, Magnus. I'll help you." 

Magnus smiled again. "Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" 

Alec smiled again, nodding. "Yeah, but I'm afraid I don't tell you enough."

"Alexander-"

"I'm serious, Magnus. I love you, and I will protect you because you are my world. I love you, Magnus Bane. I love you so much." And Alec kissed him, hard, and passionate. 

Magnus kissed back, forgetting about everything for a moment. Forgetting about his mother, and his step-father, and the flames, and Valentine, and the Rune. He forgot about everything. 

Everything but how much he loved Alexander Lightwood. 

But the sound of the fire alarm going off because he'd burnt the cakes brought them out of it, and Alec chuckled, Magnus smiling softly. "I'd fix that, if I were you," Magnus said. 

Alec smiled wider, turning around to fix the burning problem.

Magnus thought, that although the Agony Rune showed him things he'd fought so hard to forget, the burning of the pancakes and Alec showed Magnus what he would never want to forget.

And that's how much he loves Alexander Lightwood.

He wasn't okay now.

But soon, with Alec at his side, he will be.

He will be.


End file.
